”Believe me, I don’t want to feel this way and I’m actively trying to change things even if you can’t always see it”
I’ve wanted to write this so many times, I’ve started and deleted my writing so many times. I’ve found it so difficult to write about something that controls my life, which I despise so much. So, I thought the best time to write it is during my hell week when my mind is racing on how much it tries to destroy me each month.
Now everyone knows that each month woman get visited by Aunt Flo, and each womans experience with Aunt Flo is different. Some have heavy time, some light, some experience extreme pain while others just float through as if nothing is happening to them. And then there are the woman who deal with an experience each month that isn’t commonly known to the world. These woman, including myself, suffer in silence, due to the unknown. So, lets explain what goes happens to me every single month, whether I like it or not.
Hell week consists of many emotional and physcial challenges. From small changes to major emotional changes. I can become angry, irrational, obnoxious, offensive, replusive, hurtful, mean-spirited and evil-minded especially to the people closest to me. Due to this I can then become depressed, anxious, stressed, low-spirited, and even suicidal. And to top it off I suffer the pysical side effects as well, these include bloating, increased appetite, headaches, fatigue and muscle aches. This happens every single month. For roughly 3-10 days and has been doing for as long as I can remember, and got even worse after each of my children were born. And only dissapeared while I was pregnant.
So what is it? What can change a human so much every month? The answer …
PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) a very severe form of PMS.
Now, although my PMDD has been with me as long as I can remember, yet I suffered in silence as I had no idea what was wrong with me. Each month I thought I was insane. I couldn’t understand why every month I thought the world hated me. I just wanted the world to stop and for me to get off. I’d had enough of everything and everyone. Trying to survive was very difficult, then within a few days I was back to my normal self. The only problem was during Hell Week I had made so many issues for myself, alienated so many people, destroyed so much, and overdone myself I had to then try my best to repair everything.
It was destroying me every month, the suicidal thoughts got worse, especially with everything else going on in my life. I genuially started to worry for myself, yet I was too afraid to talk to anyone. I didn’t think anyone would understand, I thought the second I mentioned to anyone I felt suicidal that would be my life over, my kids would be taken from me and I’d be carted off to the mental health unit and sectioned. Then one night scrolling through facebook a friend of mine posted a picture regarding PMDD, with her being one of my closest friends I googled what she meant so I could understand what she was going through. Then I read the following and it all clicked into place.
It was like I had wrote it myself, like someone has reached into my brain and taken my thoughts. I wasn’t going insane, I wasn’t crazy, I was hormonal, and I wasn’t alone anymore. There were other woman going through the exact same as me.
I spent the night googling, I wanted to know everything, I wanted to meet or speak to other woman who fight this battle every month. To know I wasn’t alone was astonishing. I felt like a huge weight had been shifted, the dark cloud that lived above my head and been blown away. I googled treatments, diagnosis, and of course ways to make this leave me.
Then the bombshell ….
It can never go away, especially not on it’s own. And unfortunately it is trial and error on which treatment helps each person. And there is a huge list on things that can help. For me so far I take one capsule of CBD oil, Agnus Castus and Multivitamins. Some months it helps, some I still stuggle.
But the one thing I learnt to do was to talk. To talk to myself, to talk to others. The first thing I did was talk to my partner regarding what I found out about myself. And I was one of the lucky ones, as he understands. He sat and listened to me. I’m sure he keeps tabs on when Hell Week is due too. My kids still don’t understand but they are young, I don’t expect them to take anything on board, but it’s a work in progress.
As for myself, each month can still be a struggle, the bad thoughts still appear, but now I can tell myself they will pass. I tell myself my brain is lying to me and I quickly think of things I am grateful for, things that make me happy. But the shame has gone from my life, I’m not ashamed any more for who I am or what I think, I know it’s there and I know it’s coming but I get ready to fight each month. And im still going through my trial and error treatments.
”Time will pass; these moods will pass; and I will eventually ……. be myself again”
Now, I’ve spent years feeling the way I do, I spent the time alone, with just the thoughts in my head. I’ve spent years thinking I wasn’t worth being on this world, I though the world would be better off without me even though I had a good life, albeit one with many ups and downs. But it dawned on me, how many other young girls, or woman are dealing with the same somewhat terrifying experience I did on there own.
PMDD isn’t widly spoken about. It’s not easily diagnosed. But if anything I’ve spoken about resonates with you, then I want you to know you are not alone. Even if you feel you have no one to speak to I am always only a message away. I would never want to think anyone is going through this alone.
My email is open to anyone at any time, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Speak soon, Stay Strong